The Ontological War

When talking to socialself people and decreasing realself people, the increasing realself person gets the sense that the conversation with them stops at the surface of their skin, and the person senses this because ontologically that is where the self of socialself people and decreasing realself people is located. But in talking with increasing realself people one gets the definite sense that one is talking to a self that is deeper within them, because that is where the self they are being is located.

Realself life and everything that goes with it is better than socialself life in countless ways, and one of these ways is that realself-to-realself relationships give increasing realself people an opportunity to be more their realselves with someone, which they want, enjoy, and need.

A good example of this developing relationship is in Sex, Lies, and Videotape when, after knowing Graham for only about a day, Ann asks him a question while they are in a café:

Ann: Can I tell you something personal?

Graham: It’s up to you. Can I tell you something personal?

Ann: Yeah. Yeah.

Graham: Well, you gotta go first.

Ann: OK.

…

Ann: So, are you gonna tell me something personal?

Graham: Do you want me to?

Ann: Yeah. Yeah, I do. I don’t want it to be something gross, about some scar. I want it to be something really personal, about yourself.

Graham: All right. OK.

Ann enthusiastically says “yeah” four times when Graham asks if he can tell her something “personal,” and the question immediately comes to mind, why was she so enthusiastic? She sounds almost like a naïve teenager who has never before talked to anyone in a personal way.

She knows from experience that she can’t have a “personal” talk with her husband. But even though she has known Graham for only a day, she senses that maybe she can be “personal” with him.

Ontologically, there is a big differences between the “personal” talk from one’s socialself and the “personal” talk from one’s realself. LBJ lifted up his shirt and showed his appendectomy scar to the world, and for some people doing that would be considered personal. But this isn’t the kind of personal that Ann and Graham both have in mind. They use the word “personal,” but they really mean something more in the lines of “Can I be more my realself with you?”

Ann has had the growing sense that she wants to and needs to talk to someone in a “really personal” way, and she thinks that maybe she has finally met someone with whom she can have that relationship—someone she can to talk to in a way other than in the usual, on-the-surface, socialself way. She knows she can’t do that with her husband or sister, and even though she probably talks to her therapist in more of a “personal” way, the relationship she has with him isn’t the same as having a realself-to-realself relationship with someone one likes, is attracted to, and maybe even loves.